on goodness

The quiet hours when all treasures are tucked away and only stars sing are mine.

Mine to reflect on goodness…  His goodness.

If I have any academic understanding of theology left, it is sun baked, road bumped and fraying around the edges at best.  My theology is not the kind discussed in dark inner rooms ringed with pages bound by time and thought.  It’s the practical kind, bumped and jarred by life itself right off the paper and into the messy moments of my day.

I study God in His daily comings.  His love written in sunset colors tossed against the blue, His bigness echoing from ocean waves breaking on sandy shores, His goodness in every petal of beauty that reminds me trust.  If He cares for these, how much more so for me.

I said something rather controversial to some yesterday.  I am sure of it.  I could hear questions rattling in the distance even as I hit publish.

I am going to take a risk and pour my heart out on a page.  This is just my life in arcs and lines and my heart displayed with the questions I have wrestled with and the answers I have embraced.

God IS GOOD period.  Full stop.  End of story.

I have one leg. At least on earth in this moment.  All that is real is not all that is seen now. I really have two legs, the second one simply hasn’t arrived yet.  Until it does, I am a sign.  I walk with one foot in heaven and one on earth.

You can imagine, I get to experience all manner of reaction.  Everything from people telling me how wonderful it is God made me this way to people yelling at me for not having faith when their prayers for miraculous intervention don’t get answered right in front of them.  And I am learning more grace through each encounter with such well-meaning hearts.

Ok here I am being controversial again.  I do not believe God made me with one leg any more than I believe He sends sickness to teach us a lesson. We live in a fallen world. One corrupted with a broken creation itself; one with an enemy ruthlessly out to steal, kill and destroy; one where men make horrible decisions and whole nations suffer through their sin…   But God has made me who I am. I would not be alive without Him.  He has turned all things into good for this dearly loved daughter of His.

What the enemy meant for my destruction, God is using to bring LIFE to so many.  I am humbled by that.  But just because God USES something, doesn’t mean He sent it or originally intended it. Jesus paid it ALL on the cross and it is my life-long journey to live out the redemption He purchased… in EVERY area of my life.

As for people yelling at me for not having enough faith… Faith is the evidence of things not seen last I read.  😉

There is MUCH I do not understand.  I do not understand why one baby is raised back to life and the other is laid six feet under; why I pray for the deaf and many hear, yet my own ear is still unopened.

But maybe WHY is the wrong question.  Maybe WHO is a better use of these precious moments.

I know WHO hold my times and questions and answers in His hand and me with them.  And I know He is good.  I know all things submitted to Him work together FOR good.  I hold my stand on His goodness as a military posture that my life depends on.  Because it does.

YES I do believe His desire is always to heal and why that healing doesn’t come how, when or where always I hope it to:  I don’t know.  And I am really ok with the unknowing.  I know HIM. I am not going to cast shadows on my faith or His character in trying to figure it out.

I am content to eat the bread of mystery, the manna, the what is it food from heaven.  In between the now and the not yet, HE is enough.  Even so, I am contending for all He is to be manifest in all I am and His Kingdom come on earth as in heaven.

I once had coffee with a friend who was an atheist.   I asked him to tell me about the god he didn’t believe in. By the time he was done talking, we were in agreement.  I didn’t believe in that god either.

Then I told him about the God I know to be true.  The loving Father who is good all the time, even when we don’t comprehend His moving and kindness.  And he wept, hot tears longing for goodness that was real.

What image of God am I reflecting to a hungry world filled with questions longing for goodness and truth and light and HIM?  Is my why answer keeping people away from knowing Him WHO holds all our questions and loves us beyond them?

Papa, could you take this life of mine and make it a love letter of YOUR goodness to a hurting world?  Take all of my unanswered whys and misappropriated formulas trying to explain that which I don’t understand and wrap them up in WHO You are: LOVE that never fails.

YOU ARE GOOD and Your Love endures forever.  I am.  I am trusting for miracles.  Every day. But let my testimony be You are good not because of a miracle received but because of Who You are before one of them came into being.