365 Days Later

canopy-1It is amazing the difference a few hundred days can make.

Exactly a year ago today I finalized one of the most painful seasons and decisions I have ever had to make.  It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t just. I lost 98% of all my important relationships, either immediately or some that just faded away in the weeks that followed.

To truly love is to love enough to let go when it is in the best interest of the ones you love.  Even if it is a knife that slices deep to your own heart.  There are many ways to die and still have a pulse.

I stood stripped, confused, sick, jumping every time my email notification went off expecting more hate mail to have to reply to. I lived for months holding my breath waiting for another “shoe” to drop, another crisis, another betrayal, another ripping apart at the fabric of my soul.

I lived through my worst nightmare and survived.  Wiser. Stronger.  Much, much stronger. I have been scarred by organizational brokenness but those scars have become victory symbols for some of the hardest won lessons about life and leadership.

My heart still grieves the loss of my adopted children and a kind of divorce that has ripped what I thought were life-long friendships away.  In some cases the situation was simply revealing what the relationships were all along.  But I still have my moments when tears water my pillow at night.  I am not the same person that I was.

Innocence is now more careful watchfulness, naivete exchanged for a caution that proceeds much more slowly in all relationships than I once did.  I now know heart-trust has to be built and if someone isn’t willing to go through a journey to see that happen on their end, well go carefully if at all.

But 365 days later, I’m finally realizing I’m going to be OK, actually way better than OK. And while this is a place I’d never imagined being, it is one I couldn’t be more grateful for.

  • I’m just starting grad school! In 18 months with bucket loads of grace, I’ll walk across a threshold with a diploma {MA in Organizational Leadership} and an acceptance letter for the PhD program all in the same step.
  • I now have a growing number of really truly healthy relationships in my life and a beautiful sending body that is committed to my heart being cared for and protected.
  • It has been a year of being diligent in cutting off dynamics that were adding unnecessary drama.
  • I finally have some health answers in that my fevers are not infectious but are probably part of a complex package of long term effects from all the malaria and tropical sickness over the last 7 years. Making intentional decisions to make my health a priority and give my body as much of what it needs to have the best chances for healing in the long run.
  • Working hard at building my creative firm and seeing it grow and pretty please pay some bills soon. 😉  Take a moment to see how we might work together.  It would be an absolute joy to help you grow closer to your dreams coming true.
  • I meet my first friendship partner family from DR Congo tomorrow!  I am so so SO excited to have a growing number of  friends from Africa here locally.  What a gift from Jesus!
  • I’ve started rebuilding my personal ministry support team to help me take on more ministry clients/missionaries to mentor/coach/consult for and to help see me supported as I minister here in Florida and beyond. If you might be interested in sowing financially or partnering at any level, please drop me a line.  Every little bit is a huge help.
  • This fall it looks like I will be teaching/advising in some local ministry school settings as well as continuing to build a structure for Create 61 that can operate in partnership with like-hearted churches and ministries as well as lay ground for our stand alone endeavors to come.
  • I have the cutest, sweetest cuddle master out there who is about 4 pounds of love, fluff and kisses and an absolute gift from heaven.
  • And this blog just got a makeover that has been developing for a year!  Thank you so much for being part of my journey.  I am so grateful for each and every one of you.

As always, you can drop by my Facebook page and connect with me directly there. I love to hear from you.